Saturday, December 4
i don't know what's wrong with me. one moment i can't stop laughing and the next i can't force myself to crack a smile. always waiting. waiting should be my middle name. waiting for something to happen that i just know won't. why wait, then? i don't know. maybe because i'm trying to fool myself. there are so many possibilities you know. but if you keep waiting, if you keep the door open.. then no one can say that you slammed the door in the face of opportunities. it's bad enough waiting for things. much less people. what would it take to make you see.. i'm human. i'm real. i breathe, there is blood and water in me. i'm not some pawn in your little game of life. you can't play with people like that.. maybe it was my mistake, appearing too calloused on purpose. maybe i should be more open. i catch myself watching the clock, watching the moon move across the velvet sky. i count time by heartbeats, by the number of times my heart jumps then slows to a crashing halt. i count time by the tears that flow at night. it's always at night. in the day there are a billion and one things to do. at night there's nothing to do after i come home but do up the presents and carve candles. it's at night that the stars come out. it's at night that i let my guard down. and it's only at night that i allow myself to think.. of the past, the present, the future. 'now' is a gift, the present. but it's so hard to capture it, to hold it close and make it last forever. forever's nothing but a trail of nows. i'm trying to live each now to the best of my ability, but it's so hard when i keep turning back. i look back, hoping to catch a glimpse of the past. sometimes i do, and it overwhelms me. other times i turn back, disappointed. what do i want from life? it's so short, it's just a journey to another destiny. why can't i laugh, why must i cry.. i don't want to cry for the past. it's over, it's gone, it's done. give me just one good reason why.. no, i guess you can't. we humans always try to rationalise. but try as i might, i can't give myself a good reason to go through life walking forwards looking backwards. and yet i still do it. i don't know.. what will it take to make myself see.. that really what's happened is for the best. next year's a new year. a different year. away from all my friends. alone. completely. for the first time. i am afraid. i know myself. i am not a strong person. i may fall. but i have to pick myself up.. because you'll just never know what tomorrow holds.. and it's pointless hoping someone else will pick you up.. it's not going to happen. oh feeble mortals. it's raining here in my heart.
it must've been love.
11:08 pm
xoxo
